IL LITIGIO NELLA COPPIA

Perché il litigio è così frequente nelle coppie di innamorati?
Credo che niente meglio del coinvolgimento affettivo riesca a tirar fuori le emozioni più antiche, che le persone hanno nei meandri più nascosti della psiche.
Le relazioni ri-attualizzano il passato e riaprono le porte a vissuti che sono stati interiorizzati dagli individui, che prima sono stati percepiti in un certo modo, decodificati, e poi interiorizzati. Il rapporto di coppia li ritrova e li ravviva con una intensità enorme. Da qui la necessità di una terapia di coppia.
Noi non ce ne accorgiamo, ma la tendenza naturale è quella di usare il partner per ricevere da lui ciò che ci è mancato nel nostro lontano passato e allo stesso tempo per ricevere quelle risposte che ci difendono, ci tutelano dalle nostre ferite angoscianti. La psicoterapia di coppia aiuta ad uscirne.

 

Del partner non si deve aver bisogno

Dovremmo evitare di appoggiarci troppo all'altro o all'altra, perché lui o lei non è nostro padre o nostra madre o entrambi. Il partner non può darci quello che ci è mancato, nè può difenderci dalle nostre angosce più profonde.
Il litigio nella coppia nasce, infatti, quando non riceviamo le risposte che vorremmo, quando non riusciamo ad accettare l'autonomia dell'altro, quando le risposte dell'altro non sono soddisfacenti per i nostri bisogni.

 

Litigare è necessario quindi? Se serve per crescere sì

Dallo Psicoterapeuta e dallo Psicologo vanno spesso coppie che cercano una soluzione nel qui ed ora alle loro difficoltà relazionali, la domanda diretta e cosciente è quella di essere aiutati a superare le loro insoddisfazioni.
Spesso però tale richiesta non risulta essere integrata con la richiesta inconscia che potrebbe essere anche di natura diversa, ovvero la richiesta di non cambiare, di tornare all'equilibrio precedente la crisi.
Il terapeuta dovrebbe essere bravo a rendere cosciente tale dinamica inconscia evidenziando alla coppia che il cambiamento deve essere fatto da entrambi. Cambiare significa entrare in crisi, mettersi in discussione, crescere facendo quello che si avrebbe voluto avere dai genitori e che non si ha mai avuto.
È necessario accettare il fatto che non sono gli altri a dover cambiare per soddisfare i nostri bisogni rimasti insoddisfatti, ma l'unico cambiamento che può essere fatto è quello dentro noi stessi.

 

Il processo di cambiamento

Più aumenta la gravità di ogni singola psicopatologia e più è difficile fare questo processo di cambiamento, non solo per questioni legate alle motivazioni, ma soprattutto per questioni legate alla scarsa capacità di mentalizzazione, alle carenze dei processi simbolici, alla disgregazione dei processi di pensiero.
Ogni struttura di personalità ha infatti un suo livello evolutivo.
Il litigio nella coppia, quindi, è un modo per tentare di esistere, una richiesta di aiuto, un modo per essere accettati, anche una scarica aggressiva sotto l'egida delle pulsioni di morte (Thanatos) nell'accezione freudiana. Alcune volte è utile altre volte è dannoso, alcune volte aiuta altre volte evita il cambiamento. Dipende da come la personalità lo utilizza e da come e quanto la personalità vuole ed è in grado di mettersi in discussione.

 

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